I have to admit, there are days when I am convinced that everything I am going through serves a purpose. And there are days I cry out to God in desperation because I am still in utter disbelief that all that I have gone through has brought me to this moment in my life. Faced with the uncertainty of death. It is true that no one knows when their time will come or how they will go, and to be honest, even if the thought of death crosses one’s mind, it is quickly brushed away into that part of your brain that you’ve labeled “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THAT”. Unfortunately for me I am in a constant battle with my thoughts. Fighting with all the promises of life that God speaks of in his word vs fighting with the realization that what I want above all else, which is Life, may soon come to an end for me. I get chills just thinking about it. Why am I writing this? Well apart from the fact that it’s 1:00 am and I cannot sleep. I am up contemplating on a conversation I had with my husband this morning. It started out because of something I read. Or a quote rather, that says, “Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like”
A lot of times I try to shield my family from my sad or anxious thought. I don’t like them worrying about me but this morning as I sat on the edge of the bed, with tears rolling down my eyes, I told Marc that I was scared and in a constant battle in my mind. He didn’t say anything for a few moments, then he said, isn’t it interesting how as a child or young person growing up you never anticipate back pain (he suffers) or cancer (I suffer). We all make plans for the future. Where, when and to whom we would get married to, how many kids, what type of house or career we’ll have or all the places we would travel to. But never, not once does anyone ever anticipate or think about the “what could go wrong” unless you’re just a depressingly morbid person who always just only see the negative in everything. For the most part, it’s not in our psyche. Yet even sometimes as humans, just for a moment we sometimes imagine life without our spouse, or child or any family member and for a brief moment you are overwhelmed with sadness, sometimes to the point of tears But who stays in the place. NO ONE. Which is probably why when something bad or horribly unexpected shows up, it throws our entire perfect universe out of whack. Whooooaaaaaa!!!!, what am I supposed to do now? Well we’ve come to one conclusion. You live.
Every day you wake up and your legs hit the floor, you look up to heaven and say Thank you. You go to work, spend time with family, enjoy the sunshine, the snow, the rain, the brisk cold air on a winter day and you practice gratitude because although your world may seem like its failing apart, you’re alive and that’s enough. Bad days will come, horrible no good bad days. But every day above ground is a good day to be alive. It’s a good day to be thankful. It’s not supposed to be this way, oh but it is. So, while I am living and each day that I am granted I will live. What do we say to the god of death? NOT TODAY!!